well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
