I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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