I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
