glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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