Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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