ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
