So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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