saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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