Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
