So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
