Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
