Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
