I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize