If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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