i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
