his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
