He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
