Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
