"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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