just come out here and I will go home with you...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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