You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
