you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
