Buhtt sex?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
