I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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