Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I skipped work to stalk him.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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