i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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