Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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