I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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