I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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