peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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