The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
