I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have already put on my inside pants.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
