Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
