a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize