I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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