Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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