I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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