that's an acceptable place to lick
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
