She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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