I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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