then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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