I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When are your genitals available?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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