Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
