I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize