your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
