good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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