He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
