oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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