i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
