Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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