we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
