you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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