so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
They have beer where we have blood.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
