yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
