How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wish there were birth control emojis
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
