Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
