I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize