did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
