What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
